I Can't Be Who You Are - {Kate Saunders)

[Kate Saunders]

Entree #1

August 29, 2009
2:15am

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made

I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

You might think that there is only a set amount of bad thing that can happen in ones persons life. That once you hit that limit nothing else can possible happen to you. Not for me. My whole life has been aliving hell. First my family dies. Everyone that I cares about lost in a few hours. Just gone.. one moment they're there the next their not. Then The plane crash where I almost died, not that it would have mattered if I did or not. Lately I've been wishing that I could have died that day on the island. That that was the end. It would have been so much easier if I had, for everyone. Since that day Matt has been getting farther away from him, I think I pressed to many of his buttons, but then that's what I want. I want him to hate me. Then came the virus. So many dead, and I was unable to help. That was the day that I realized how much Matt actually hares me. He doesn't trust me. That's the worst. We've been partners for almost a year and yet he still sees me as a irresponsible kid that can't do anything right. News flash Matty I can do my job, and I have. But if she doesn't want to trust me then that's his choose. I don't know how many times I;ve saved his life in the past year.

But the real tragedy just happened. Krys Robin was kidnapped. It's been 3 days and nothing. Matt is a mess and I've got to say I'm a mess. I hate not being able to do anything to help. I don't know how. I'm an undercover agent, I've never worked a normal case. What's worse is it's Krys. She has done nothing to the world but be it's friend and she's he one to be abducted? How does that work? And even thought I try and distance myself from them I'm finding that I can't not care if something happens. No matter what I do I'm going to feel the lose if something does happen. The important thing is the don't care when I die, because I know I am, whether by my own hand, or that of a terrorist is doesn't matter it will happen. The only question is when I will decided that my time is up. And when I do I don't want to be missed. I don't them to have to mourn over me like I did my family.

Back to the point. I was unable to stay in Washington and help Matt try and find her. Even if I hadn't been called back by the bosses I would have found an excuse to leave. I can't stand being there, I know I can't hid my pain from Matt forever, so I just have to stay away, until she is found, because I know she will be found. One of the children was already found, Lily Burton, which is a good sign. But until then I have to continue working. To keep my mind off of it. But I will be there for her when she is rescued. I just hope that Matt doesn't take my absence to hard. Maybe it's better that way. Maybe it's time I actually do go into Deep cover. I think I've over grown this life. Or maybe it's time I think about leaving all together. That might work out better.

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